Chapter 2: The Imposter

"Incapable of intimacy with self and out of touch with his feelings, intuitions, and insights, the impostor is insensitive to the moods, needs, and dreams of others. Reciprocal sharing is impossible.... I have sinned in my cowardly refusal-- out of fear of rejection-- to think, feel, act, respond, and live from my authentic self." --pages 40, 41

I have noticed more and more lately how hesitant I am to share my authentic self with the people around me. This used to not be the case, but I think since coming to Christ a few years ago, I slowly bought into the idea that these things were taboo. I'm not sure why, I guess I felt like if I shared how I really felt or thought or believed it may have a negative affect on someone and then what good would I be doing in the kingdom? What good would it do for one of God's beloved, yet maybe lost children, if I were honest with them? I thought what if they shut down, questioned, or turned away from God on account of something I said or did?? In the last year or so I've been desperately trying to let my authentic self show b/c now I think, what if one of God's children shut down, questioned, or turned away from him because of something I didn't say or didn't do? It has been hard, especially since I find I'm having a hard time rescuing that authentic self from deep within me. I do hesitate to share, but I'm finding it easier and easier to push away the instinct to hide b/c I don't believe that God called me to live that way. I don't believe that God wants me to hide my feelings, my thoughts, or my beliefs. I think that he wants me to share them b/c I have come to realize that if I hide them, then I won't appear to be real to anyone around me. I will appear neutral and artificial. And if I appear this way to anyone, why would they want to listen me? Why would they find comfort when I say, "I understand how you feel" if they haven't seen my feelings. Why would they respond when I try to hold them accountable for something they are struggling with if they haven't seen my struggles? Why would they believe me when I say it's okay to ask questions, if they haven't seen me questioning? And not only do I need to be honest with myself for the sake of others, I need to be honest with myself for the sake of me. I cannot heal or move on or forgive if I'm not honest about my feelings or thoughts or beliefs. I cannot experience true joy or happiness or excitement or even sadness that occurs in the lives of others if I do not allow myself to experience those things that happen in my life!! And isn't that what the kingdom is all about.. sharing life.. living live... and doing live... together?? What a shame it'd be to be alive for any amount of years if you're living your life alone.

"[The false self] is the lazy part of self, resisting the effort, asceticism, and discipline that intimacy with God requires."-- page 42

This whole section of this chapter was very interesting & encouraging to me. For so long I've been hard on myself when I don't feel like reading my Bible, or I don't feel like going to church, or I don't feel like _______ (fill in the blank). I've recognized that I want to want to do these things, but I just don't... and I was confused. How could I want these things but not have the motivation to put forth the time and the effort. What's encouraging is that now I know the reason why I don't have the motivation... I have a lazy part of me that makes very convincing excuses! Thankfully I'm getting better at recognizing when this lazy part of me is getting in the way of my relationship with God and hopefully I can convince my true self not to listen! Intimacy with God requires alot of time and effort.... so as Brennan Manning puts it... "Beware the imposter!".