One Day at a Time

I'm struggling. I admit it. The last couple of months have been trying. Very trying. Very emotional. Very exhausting.

As I sit here in my apartment, all alone, I look around. I look around at all the stuff that was “ours”. I look at all the stuff that “we” bought to make “our” apartment a home. I look around and see album upon album of what I thought were happy memories. I am in utter confusion. The feelings, the thoughts, the memories, all run together. So many questions left unanswered. So many hurts. So much anger. So many hours spent worrying. How am I going to pay the bills this month? How am I going to be the mother that my children need full time, when they’re only with me half the time? How am I supposed to be the mother, provider, and spiritual leader that these two little girls need? How? I take a sip of wine and say to myself, “This too shall pass… in the meantime, you can do this, you are doing this!”

I have a lot of what I call “somedays” running through my mind. I say “somedays”, but really they are fears. Things I am scared won’t happen or things that seem so far out of my reach at the moment. Here are a few of them: someday it’ll be easier, someday I’ll trust again, someday I’ll be me again, someday I’ll let myself be vulnerable again to love, someday my heart will feel full instead of broken, someday I’ll be financially secure, someday… the list goes on. I am determined to make these “somedays” eventually become “todays”, so I turn them into encouraging phrases and repeat them over and over to myself, sometimes writing them on the mirror or printing them out and sticking them on the fridge, “it will get easier, you will trust again, you are figuring out who you are a little more each day, you will love again, you will have a home like you dream of, your heart will be overflowing it will be so full, your next husband will love you more than you ever imagined possible and will be satisfied to just be with you… and until that lucky man comes along (because he will be lucky to have found you), you’ll be okay, you’ll be more than okay, because you are strong, you are smart, you are amazing, you are a child of God, and HE is the only one you need.”

For now I’m just doing one day at a time. I pray in the mornings, “Lord, just help me get through this day”, and somehow I do. I pray before bed, “Thank you for Addyline. Thank you for Kennedy. Thank you for the people you have surrounded me with. Thank you for helping me through today. Please help me to sleep tonight. Please continue to protect and provide for me and my babies.” Sometimes I make it through this short prayer and sometimes I just cry and utter, “YOU know”, because HE does. For now, I just do the best I can and rely on God to fill in the gaps. For now, I soak in encouraging phrases I see when I'm out and about, when I'm reading, or when one comes across my newsfeed on Facebook. For now, I listen to praise & worship music.... from the moment I start to feel down until I feel better. For now, I just remind myself to breathe and take it one day at a time.